Xanga changed... I think... No one cares and the ones that do are long gone. I am not really their friend anymore. I am sorry. For the things I done to those who have hearts or are just so naive that they didn't do wrong to me. I've been gone since my dad died. I feel like I have been a sleep. I dont know why I've done these things. I just blanked. I left. I was an empty shell. Until TJ came then I came to life. Kinda. it was like I woke half way up. Part of me. But not really me. I am not the same person I was in 8th grade. And I was not there to see how I changed to much. I dont know why. People think its me when its not. I remember saying I would not be able to forgive myself if I did not change before he died. but he died that night. I had a feeling he was going to die but I did nothing to stop it thinking I was just crazy. I know now God was literally telling me. But I did not listen. The last thing I remember as the me I wanted to be was Jamie telling me no matter what it would never be okay. People would say the pain leaves but really you just learn to not focus on it. It was true.. I tried to blank it out on my own. But what helped the most was to kind of hold it there before me. Cause when I pushed it to the side I just bawled endlessly. This though led to me always being in a state of disbelieving shock. I was quieter. but also I was more likely to go off on anyone and everyone. Things have turned on me cause I turned away from things I shouldn't have and I am to ashamed to go back to it. I cannot face the shame. I feel stuck here. I dont know what to do. I was pulled away from the church were I was loved and forced to be what I was not. I left the very person who let me stay with them that night and tried to make me feel better and I guess it was mainly the fact that she saw me in my state of hurt. I couldn't face it myself. I dont know how to apologize for something someone doesn't even get mad about. My mom had me Diagnosed on the anniversey of my fathers death. By showing how I was edge and somewhat depressed. I wonder why. I was put on drugs where I couldn't even stand up. The room wirleed around me. I couldn't focus. I told people I could fly. I lashed out even more. My dosage was raised and I don't even remember it. I am told I didn't talk coherintly I flirted with other guys and fansied relationships with them despite the fact that I was with TJ. I forgot TJ even existed for times. I didn't go to school cause I couldn't. On these drugs that my own mother had me on I slit my wrists. I do not remember it. I went to the hospital and came out on less drugs. I had sex. Got preggers. And of course I was emotional. I watch other pregnant women throw the hugest hissy fit cause they got the wrong flavor of ice cream and when I so much as sighed like I do when im upset. I was scorned screamed at told I was crazy. Then I would feel hopeless cause no matter how I handled anything I was crazy and out of control. I began to just scream back. And everyone know I do not scream. Or I didn't until I gave up. Sure I would argue and I would be stubborn but I never yelled. I never screamed "STOP IT PLEASE JUST STOP" until then and that only made it worse. my begging and irrational actions where me begging to be left alone. To not be targeted. For it to be dropped. But that made me more crazy. It drove me crazy to be called crazy. My diagnosses of being bipolar became more true. I remember though how pissed my step mom had been when she fould out that my mom said I was bipolar. She said I did not follow the symptoms of it. I knew I wasn't but the more frustrated I became the more reactive I became. The more I would cling to TJ and or Mary. Then my mother went about removing people I loved and needed. She blocked marys numbers and turned off my cell phone. I couldn't talk to Mary. I couldnt see that yes Mary cared because she called me back. I was not able to be there for Mary when she needed me. | 
